So I want to talk about depression.
Not the sour moods we all get into from time to time because life
sucks occasionally, but clinical depression. This is best defined as
a state where simply moving on from that mood state becomes
impossible. For some people, it is based on an event or series of
events. Loss of a loved one, divorce, abuse either emotional or
physical, any number of causes. For others, such as myself, it is
neurological in origin, a function of brain chemistry which then
interacts with psychology.
Whatever it's source, too many people
misunderstand it. And this is entirely reasonable. We are all
intimately familiar with the basic form of depression. It is a
common mood state and an easy word to relate to. What is different
about clinical depression is that it is not the commonly understood
mood state, although it shares many features with it.
Here's an analogy for understanding
what depression is like. Load up a small box with books, about
thirty or forty pounds of them (vary the weight by your own personal
level of upper-body strength). Set the box on a low table. Stand
with the box on either your left or right side. Twist your torso to
that side and down, and pick up the box. Don't bend your knees, do
all the work with your arms and back. Lift it quickly and as jerkily
as possible. Set it down the same way on the other side of you.
Preferably all the way down on the floor.
Congratulations, you have now messed up
your lower back. Probably quite badly. You may not notice any pain
until the next day, but it will be there if you've done this exercise
correctly.
Over the course of the next few,
agonizing weeks, notice your mood state. You will discover that any
motion you make is painful. You will discover that remaining still
is painful. You will lose enthusiasm for doing anything, because it
hurts to do anything. It hurts to do nothing, too, but at least you
aren't making things worse, so far as you can tell.
You will become irritable, frustrated
and angry. You will snap at people, even if they are being loving
and helpful. It will seem that most people have absolutely no
understanding of what you're going through, how badly it hurts and
how much you just want it to stop.
Aspirin and the like won't do anything,
and ice packs and heating pads don't help much or for long. The pain
is there while you're awake, and makes it impossible to sleep
sometimes. Other times you will collapse into a sleep so deep you
won't move for six or eight hours... resulting in waking to even
greater agonies than you went to sleep with. You become angry with
your back, with the situation, with the fact that the only solution
is to wait for things to get better.
Now, cut the agony down to a dull roar.
Say about 50%. You become much more functional, but are still in
pain all the time. Still frustrated, angry, upset, hard to get along
with. Now take away any sense that you know where that pain is
coming from.
You know it's there. You know that you
feel something that you just want to stop more than anything, but it
isn't your back, or your foot, your eyes or your belly. Something
hurts, somewhere, and there's a part of you that just screams in the
back of your head, begging for it all to go away.
I will steal part of a phrase from
Terry Pratchett: wearing the world hurts. Everything, whether
physical, social, professional or emotional, causes you some kind of
pain and anger. Without a cause, you end up with two possible things
to be angry with: the world, and yourself. For most of us who are
depressed, it is both. And because you don't know where the pain is
coming from, you have no idea if it ever will go away. The pain
itself begins to lock you in, dulling your joys and heightening your
unhappiness.
We will never know how many people
every year die of depression. Suicide is easy to spot, but it is
just as likely that a depressive will commit a homicide as a suicide.
And there is no way to determine how many vehicular accidents and
other deaths are indirectly caused by depression.
I lived with that sourceless,
indefinite and unending pain for twenty years. It broke me, but it
could not make me quit. To those of you out there who are in this
place, ask for help. This condition has a physical cause, regardless
of how it started. Once your brain chemistry becomes sufficiently
unbalanced, as mine was, it will not come naturally back into
balance. There is no more shame or failure associated with clinical
depression than with epilepsy or an allergy.
I survived my pain. I call on you to
do the same. Ask for and accept help. Life can be something good.
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