Parody is a Privilege, Not a Right - 4/30/2014

Okay, so here’s the deal. Parody? Good stuff when well done, still respectable when not done so well.


But before you attempt to commit parody, go out and see how many THOUSANDS of other parodies there are of the thing you’re trying to make fun of. Unless you have a truly different take on the thing, and I mean significantly different, not the same parody with different colored eyeglasses, DON’T.


I just read my 4033^rd LOTR parody. It was quite good, and did have a twist on the story I haven’t seen before. But between Bored of the Rings, Nodwick (the one I just read) and many, many many others, I really don’t have any interest in reading another LOTR parody. And yes, that includes crossover parodies like LOTR/Trek, LOTR/Star Wars, LOTR/Game of Thrones, LOTR/My Little Pony and all the rest of them. Parodies of fanfic are about as self-defeating as you can get.


So yes, parody, satirize, mock and deride. But make sure it’s something worth reading on its own merits, not just a re-take on something that’s been done to death that you happen to think is clever. If it’s good enough, it might just supersede that which you are parodying in the first place.


You can be sure this has happened when someone parodies your parody. Or as some very famous band once said “We knew we’d made it when Weird Al did a version of one of our songs.”

243

Burrow - 4/29/2014

So I'm thinking that in a past life (or maybe a future one, who knows how reincarnation works), I was a snake or a mole or some other burrowing animal. I like the idea of having a burrow, someplace you have to crawl down into with a floor like a futon and blankets and pillows. A recessed light or two, and enough space to have some options in how one sleeps, but low and enclosed. Not a tent, but something with earthen walls, maybe sandstone or the like.

Hobbits have it right. The best home is under a hill, away from the stream, but close to a well. There should be places to keep vegetables and cheese and smoked meats. The dining table will not have chairs, but be set down into a pit, and people would simply sit at the edges with supports for the back and big comfy towels instead of napkins.

Near the top of the hill will be a terrace, which runs around the entire circumference. It will be wide enough for one to lounge on comfortably, and look at the stars on cool summer nights.

In the front yard (everything will be the front yard, one of the advantages of a hill), will be a place designed for roasting food. A series of holes dug and maintained, with lots of fresh dirt and stone nearby. This will allow for all sorts of cooking, around which gatherings can occur, or not, as the day may call for. Everything from bread to pigs to vegetables to fish to who knows what can be cooked there. On those days musicians will wander the terrace, playing what suits them as friends share food and drink below.

But mostly, it will be a place to be warm, dry and comfortable, snug, cozy and worth exploring. Carefully excavated and supported, I will call it home with a smile.

317

Ode to Morning - 4/28/2014

Morning

steals into your room

and watches you

while you sleep.

It knows

while you breathe

that soon it will end your sojourn

into dream.

It knows and grins

that when the moment arrives

your first thought

will be

“no”.

Too bright

too dark

too cold

too hot

stiffness and soreness

or the burning of the brain

to return to that different cycle.

The ender of parties

the bringer of civilized worlds

first pain of the day

dash of sharp reality

on fantasy's soft shoulder.

Ugly, harsh, brutal beginning

like birth

it is met with screaming.

Time of sickness,

of hangovers,

of the departure

of fae and owl.

Snapping of night

into pieces

strung along the wire

of orbit.

Death of moon,

fading of stars,

moment when the dread

of what may come first hits

when memories are laid bare

without perspective.

Morning is the other kind of truth

in the same bladed lie.

154

The Real Killer App - 4/27/2014

Sleeping is the needed for, sugnofucantly.

When we start blending with computers (and we will blend, not fight them in the streets), I'll tell you what the most used app will be. Well, the most used app that anyone will admit to using (despite 5 billion registered users in the first month).

Sleep regulators.

Imagine being able to think “2-hour nap” at your phone and be plunged immediately into a nice, natural sleep that lasts just as long as you want it to. Imagine being able to think “Put me to sleep, and wake me either in eight hours or if one of the people on my Emergency list calls”. Imagine (I did, last night) being able to think “I have a really early shift tomorrow morning, put me to sleep now instead of waiting for 1am when it'll really do more harm than good”.

Of course, the beta release will put 200 people into irretrievable comas, which will somehow generate 9,000 lawsuits, most of which will be settled out of court for a lifetime subscription to the full release with updates.

Skynet's not going to have to launch any nuclear missiles, just promise a new season of Firefly via dream channels (for an extra $49.99 a month, you can get Inara : Secrets of the Companions series as well). At that point, we'll all just lie down and let them get on with things calmly.

Wait, isn't that the plot of the Matrix?

244

The Greatest Threat To Democracy - 4/26/2014

What accounts for taste?

I have this friend. Talk with her on Facebook from time to time. She shared a horrible secret with me entirely by accident.

She... she... likes... vanilla ice cream.

I've unfriended her, of course, and done my best to delete any history I might have on my computer, but still, I feel bad. I wish I could reach out to her and heal her of this horrible affliction.

To enjoy something so basic, so bland, so... unflavorful, as vanilla ice cream. It's like thinking that Barry Manilow is the end-all, be-all of popular music, completely ignoring the works of Tom Jones and Celine Dion. It's like thinking that beige is the greatest color. What of taupe? What of ecru? Tell me, WHAT OF ECRU!?!?!?!?!

But I shall soldier on, knowing that in championing the ribbon, be it caramel, fruit or chocolate, I fight for a better world. A world with Cookies'n'Cream, with Dulce du Leche, with those little cups of ice cream and fudge that come with the wooden spoons already inside.

If you know someone who is a vanilla-lover, I beg of you to get them to a therapist. Vanilla recovery is possible, and the famous Dr. Baskin-Robbin-Coldstone-Haagen-Dazs and her son Gelato have worked tirelessly with Benjamin and Gerald to help bring an appreciation of true flavor to the world. Your loved ones can be helped, and you can help them help themselves to a scoop of tasty goodness.

Please, won't someone think of the waffle cones?!?

252

The Same Advice We All Give - 4/25/2014

Okay, so the big question all writers get asked is: what's the secret?

The answer I can give is exactly the same as the ones all the other writers out there give.

Write.

Sit down and write. Put words on paper. Any words, any time, any format.

Don't sit down with the intention of putting something specific on the page. Don't shoot for Shakespeare EVER, much less your first time. Billy-boy did his bit, you do yours. Sit down and put words on paper.

There are a thousand techniques for doing this, but one of the simplest is stream of consciousness. Put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and simply start writing whatever words come into your mind. Even if it's just “I can't think of anything” over and over again.

Another is to pick an object, any object within your field of view, and start writing about it. Anything. “The brick is red” might be a start. Or “There's a bird in the tree outside”. Anything.

One problem most people have, especially when they're starting out (or starting back up, Mystery), is that they get hung up on quality. There's this idea that quality in writing happens the same way as quality in a craft. You don't make a single good set of cabinets by churning out hundreds of them in search of one good one.

But that's exactly how you get good words. Pour a thousand on the page, and fifty or a hundred might really suit you. Get rid of the others, at least the ones that aren't necessary for those good words to work. In writing, you are creating the raw materials from words. Images, character, setting, plot, all of it is coming FROM the words. Cabinets come from wood, which comes from trees. When you are writing, you are not building the cabinet, you are growing the tree. Once it is grown, you cut it down, slice it up and take away everything that isn't that wonderful, beautiful, well-crafted cabinet.

So if you're sitting there, wishing you could write the great story that is crashing around in your head, just sit down and DO IT. You might have to write a forest to get a footstool, but it will work and it will be worth it.

383

A Quiet Accomplishment - 4/24/2014

Today was a good day. Rain was had, and sunshine for you photophiles. Opportunities arose and were seized. Today was the kind of day that should happen slightly more often. Not too much so, for fear of it getting old, but slightly more often than it does.

It leave one, when the time for sleep approaches, with no thoughts left hanging from the day. It is pleasant not to have those little nags of things left undone or unsaid. To look at that day and see only a satisfaction with what has been done that day. It is a rare draught with which to find one's rest.

And in that rest, to know that tomorrow will simply be another normal day. Without that sense of completion, without that calm satisfaction that has filled the last few hours of this one.

I spent much of my life remembering the bad times, obsessing over them, able to remember little else. I like the fact that now I can do things differently, that I can think of the good things that happened without being lost in every tiny misstep, every mistake. It is a sign to me that I have come great distances since I started working to heal myself. Over 13 years now, and my progress shows in simply being able to sit and smile over a good day. A quiet accomplishment, and one I treasure.

234

Randomness - 4/23/2014

Random thoughts.

There was or is a largest individual bird at some point in history. A smallest one, too.

The most popular song in the world has still only been played/performed a finite number of times. This number could be reasonably estimated to within an order of magnitude.

The most beneficial mutation a current organism can undergo is to become useful to humankind in some way. Tasting good is one of the best, if the species can be domesticated.

Alternately, some species have done extremely well by becoming an undesirable pest to humankind, and using humanity as a form of accelerated natural selection to breed stronger and stronger generations very quickly. Rats and cockroaches being the ultimate examples.

Reality is often more surreal than anything we can come up with. Just read any text on quantum physics for an endless supply of examples.

The word 'draw' means to disperse a substance in order to create an image or to extend a substance and focus it into a cylinder (such as wire). It can also mean to pull fluid from a reservoir.

Typing is a word indicating a person striking keys on a keyboard. However, it descends from the concept of physical blocks of metal referred to as 'type' which were arranged on a press in order to print documents.

There is no known evolutionary reason why humans should find music so compelling, and yet we do.

236

Mystery - 4/22/2014

Footstep in the hall

The smell of bread

Sound of rain outside the window

Turning over

under my blankets

knowing that this

is what is right

and good.

A kiss on the shoulder

Brushing hair

Watching silly movies

Just to hear you laugh

while I trace circles

on your knee.

Smiling in the dark

finding that

which is sweet

and strong.

Watching you leave

off into your days

finding the silence

and remembering.

Waiting patiently

for the next time

and holding these feelings

that buoy

lift

and joy me.

What's in a Name? - 4/21/2014

Why do things have the name they have? Why is water water, eau, agua, biyo, amanzi, mmiri and so many other words? It is always water, dihydrogen monoxide, hydroxyl acid, hydrogen oxide, hydrogen hydroxide, hydric acid, hydroxic acid, or μ -oxido dihydrogen. All the same stuff, dozens of different names.

Even within a single culture and language, things have more than one name. Ignoring slang terms, pants can be called pants, jeans, capris, knickerbockers, jodhpurs, slacks, trousers, breeches, britches, pantaloons, dungarees, drawers, corduroys, chinos, khakis...

All these words, these rich, wonderful little variations on a single theme. All these ways to speak of a thing, all derived from the same idea, the same kind of object, the same class of entity. Every language speaks of these things, and yet the words fly singing into the night from different tongues in different ways. With joy, with wailing, with love, with hatred, with regret, boredom or fear. We speak of these things in so many ways, taking sound and making it into a way of understanding something. We speak of these things to each other and the world is transmitted between us. With these names, and the names for things we have not yet discovered, we become new things, make over ourselves, our friends, our families, even our enemies.

Names are magic and music and power and loss. We lose the thing itself in the naming of it, but so also do we gain something else. In losing that uniqueness that a single thing is, we gain the understanding that it is, in some way, like so many other things.

In naming, we move. We grow. We become.

276

100th Post!!! - 4/20/2014

Bread is an amazing thing. Every agricultural society the world over has some form of it. Wheat ground into flour and mixed with a variety of liquid and solid ingredients. Do it without yeast and you have unleavened or flatbread. Add yeast and you get any one of a number of risen breads. Boil it and you have noodles. Bake it and you get crusty, sweet, savory, chewy, doughy, crispy bread.

That the human body could have such a powerful relationship with something so complex is astonishing. Why we enjoy meats, fruits, vegetables is because these things occur naturally in our environment. Bread is the first food that has no analog in the natural world. No animal or plant produces anything like it. In fact, it requires ingredients from both animals and plants in order to exist.

Bread might be considered the first true agricultural product. Without farms to grow sufficient grain, without herds to provide milk or eggs, without permanent places where good ovens could be produced, where would bread be?

So the next time you sit down to a sandwich, or toast, or to enjoy a plate of yakisoba, think of bread and all that it has done for us. All the people that it has brought together. Think of the fact that there is no more fundamental aspect of civilization that brings so many people together so easily. Break bread with someone, and you can join their family.

241

Designed My Ass - 4/19/2014

The human body can be a frustrating thing. People think of it as something designed, something engineered, with a central focus by which its functions are determined.

But it isn't. It's a collection of cells and systems that have achieved an emergent ability to function as a whole. The fact that any one of these systems may come into conflict with another without concern or recognition that there is a conflict, or that this conflict can mean death or illness for the overall organism is irrelevant.

For example, the histamine system will misidentify small numbers of pollen particles or mold and mildew spores as an attack on the body requiring an all-out defense. Then there are things like asthma, diabetes, and a thousand other conditions where the body is more or less fighting itself and losing.

And I'm not even going to get into what the brain can do to you. Well, okay, I will. Ignore basic mood disorders, which are relatively comprehensible. How about a condition that compels you to pull out your own hair and eat it? Or one that says you won't be comfortable with the fact that the door is locked until you've opened, shut and locked it exactly three times?

What amazes me sometimes is just how many of us lead lives without impossible complications. That we are able to work around these myriad things that our own DNA throws at us, seemingly just to see us dance, sometimes. We are our own worst enemies, even when we're not.

254

Violence - 4/18/2014

What is it about violence in games (not just video games) that causes it to be so prevalent? A large percentage of video games that fall outside the “casual gamer” category involve violence in one form or another. Most sports contain some aspects of direct conflict over some limited resource (even those that do not include physical contact work this way). Card games get called “cutthroat” all the time (cribbage, bridge, poker). Go and Chess are direct simulations of war, as are most of their simpler derivatives. Even pure athletics largely derives from attempts to learn and improve physical skills for their application in battle, from sprinting to the biathlon.

So why is it that we seek so many ways to simulate something that we know we don't really want to do? Why is it that even indirect, implied, simulated violence stirs us? Why is it so rare that we find something that is not merely another expression of this?

The fact is, we got to where we are because we are violent, ruthless, practical thinking machines. We don't enjoy killing and destruction because we are immature, we enjoy it because it's how we rose to be the alpha mammals of the world. We enjoy it because it is our success story, because it is what makes the world change to suit us, instead of the other way around.

That is why we enjoy it. That is exactly why we must learn to leave it behind.

Ask a surfer. Or a hiker. Ask a photographer who waits for six hours so that the light works just right. Ask a nurse who spends her days cleaning the bodies of people who are sick and dying.

There is something in us beyond violence, no matter how necessary it has been for us. We will never be able to lay it down completely, but we can find the finer aspects of ourselves. The parts of us that see a forest and simply experience it instead of cutting it down. The parts of us that have cared for our children for two million years. The parts of us that look at the stars and name them, so that they are not strangers to us.

Violence is seductive and powerful and valuable. But it is not the only tool we have.

386

One Flag a Day Habit - 4/17/2014

So there's this guy at my apartment complex who does this wonderful thing. Every day he flies a flag from his balcony, in recognition of something or someone important associated with that day.

Today was the Wisconsin State flag, recognizing the birth of Thornton Wilder, who wrote the famous play Our Town. I was in that play in High School (if I remember correctly). Good memories.

Other flags I've seen him fly are for various countries, other states, even a rainbow flag for the LGBTQ community. My favorite so far was the Missouri flag, which he flew for the birthday of Sally Rand. The next day it was Missouri again, this time for Maya Angelou. I have a feeling they might really have liked each other (for all I know, they were good friends).

What I think I like best about it is that it's someone finding something special and significant about each day. He's dedicated himself to it to the point that he must have several dozen flags collected. Probably more like a hundred, when I think about it.

It reminds me of this blog, actually. Every day I come here and do something to mark the day. He does it with flags, I do it with 200 words or more.

Must be a human thing.

217

You'll Figure Out the Title - 4/16/2014

Home is where you live. Home is where they can't turn you away. Home is where you hang your hat. Home is place where you keep your stuff. Home is not a place at all. Home is a state of mind. Home is a state of heart. Home is geography. Home is space and time and people. Home is where they love you in spite of yourself. Home is where you eat. Home is where you shit. Home is where you make little people that you help rise like bread dough into adults. Home is where nobody can tell you not to be naked. Home is where, when the door shuts, it's because you shut it. Home is where, when the door opens, it's because you opened it. Home is the place you fill. Home is the place you empty when you make a new one. Home is always your ultimate destination, even if you've never been there. Home is the place you absolutely must get away from. Home is the place you always come back to, regardless. Home is a small central core of reality. Home is a web you spread across the world. Home is a thought made of wisps less material than clouds. Home is the stone that holds your life up. Home is a song and a story and a wonderful laugh. Home is tears and loss and painful memories that you never want to lose.

240

A Life Unused - 4/15/2014

The path of life is strewn with vagaries. That is pretty much the ultimate cliché. But it's also what makes life interesting. If it wasn't for the potholes, canyons and unexpectedly raging rivers, what would we do with ourselves?

Most people's ideas of paradise revolve around sunny beaches, lazy afternoons and general ease and leisure.

Dull.

Boring.

After a few weeks of that, you'd find yourself casting about for something, anything, to relieve the monotony. Boredom is one of the most powerful motivators mankind has, right up there with fear, hunger and lust. Lack of social contact is less necessary than having something to do. If you find yourself in a place where you want for nothing, you will find something to occupy yourself with.

That's why the idle rich often seem to spend their time drinking, taking drugs, and engaging in all sorts of weird hobbies and sexual practices. There's nothing else to really challenge them, to make them sit up and take notice of the world.

Whereas the happiest people are those who are busy. Not so busy that it's harmful, but busy with something productive, something that provides them with some kind of problem solving or accomplishment structure to provide a sense, not of pleasure, but of satisfaction.

The unexamined life is not worth living, it is true. The unused life is even less so. Use your life, even if it is only to see what is out there and take note of it. Collecting perspective can be an amazing thing to do.

256

Dylan Thomas Was Half-Right - 4/14/2014

So I was thinking today, about Truths. Specifically, the truths in how we face death. The only line most people know from Dylan Thomas is “Do not go gentle into that good night\Rage, rage against the dying of the light”. And I have to say I agree with that. There is a beauty and a power in refusing to give in, in fighting to the last, in denying the reaper.

But then there's Death With Dignity. There is also a beauty and a power in looking death in the eye and saying “Okay, it's time, I'm ready.” To stand cleanly and step forward, eschewing the desire to continue living simply to take another breath.

What brings this about? Well, I work in a hospital, and every day I walk past people who are on their way to chemotherapy or some equivalent treatment. I've seen some of them sunk in misery, dulled by pain and fuzzed by drugs. I've seen others who go to their treatments with a light heart and talking with humor and strength.

And I'm not sure which group is which. That's the amazing part about it. I'm honestly not sure whether the happy ones are the ones who are fighting death or those who are simply moving forward as they need to, who will choose to lie down and rest when the time has come. I suspect there are some in each group, each person finding their own experience of dying, each person expressing their own rage or dignity in ways that are entirely personal.

I don't know how I will face death, assuming that I have the opportunity, but I hope to bring both rage and dignity to it. The drives for survival and for peace, merging into a single drive for a beautiful moment upon which to end my existence when no other choice is possible.

And hopefully a long time from now. Say, long enough to get to the far side of the Milky Way and look out onto the far side of the universe. Sounds about right.

344

Laughing Instead of Screaming - 4/13/2014

Okay, this one's going to be quick. Frustration is not an emotional statue. Frustration is being prevented from accomplishing one's goal. The emotional state we call frustration is anger, in one form or another.

Anger, unfortunately, does not accomplish one's goal, either. Being angry in response to frustration is a normal human response. It is the way we are wired. Maybe, the brain thinks, if I get mad enough, I'll be able to kill whatever is frustrating me.

Doesn't work that way, does it? Look how the high and mighty brain does fail us.

I had a moment of sheer frustration today. Prevented from accomplishing my goal, prevented from gathering information that might help me improvise a way around the frustration. Left in a situation that had potential for disaster.

I did not get angry. I wanted to, but I did not. With the help of a friend, I was able to overcome my frustration and laugh instead of screaming, swearing and jumping up and down, which is what I wanted to do. It would have felt good in some strange way, to become angry like that, but I was able not to.

So thank you to my friend, and to all the others over the years who have taught me and helped me to laugh instead of being angry. It's a much better way to live.

227

Consistently Consistent - 4/12/2014

So one of the interesting parts about writing science fiction is coming up with things that are internally self-consistent. This is a fancy term for 'believable'. We aren't looking for things that necessarily match the uppermost echelons of scientific rigor and accuracy, but if it doesn't hang together, the assumption and all its attendent consequences, then it fails the suspension of disbelief test.

There are plenty of essays on this concept, and I won't rehash it. What I do want to look at is “where could a non-human species resonably diverge from a human species without violating basic reason and logic?”

On some levels, this is easy. Any believable non-human would have to obey the laws of thermodynamics or have a specified method by which they break them. If they can fly, please explain to me how they can accomplish this. At least a handwave to indicate that the question has actually been posed.

On other levels, it can be extremely difficult. Engineering is one example. There are only a few ways in which a measured volume of liquid can be moved from place to place within a gravity field. Those basically boil down to bucket, bladder, sponge. If an alien species uses one of these three relatively simple concepts to move liquids around, then that works just fine.

But what about a creature whose detailed sensory apparatus is auditory instead of visual? Assume they can see, but not with the kind of detail necessary for complex written communication. Instead, they construct some means by which either a passive piece of writing or an active piece of equipment can produce a complex waveform that transmits information.

What would the bridge of a starship look like for such creatures? Could these active/passive displays be made in such a way that controls could be labeled, or would they have to use some other sensory input (touch, for example)? How would this affect their languages, and their expectations of how other species might commuicate?

There are about twelve thousand more questions to ask just about how such creatures would build things. Never mind just how are they built, how does this affect their psychology, their culture, their ability to interact with their environment. The ship has to be self-consistent. The aliens have to be self-consistent, and the consequences of these self-consistencies have to be examined and remain consistent with all other descriptions of these non-human creatures.

To say the least, it can take a bit of work to figure out.

417

Why Worry About the Speed Limit? - 4/11/2014

So let's examine a fallacy that science fiction has given us. It's an understandable one, but a fallacy nonetheless.

Fiction requires some continuity, tension and drama in order to be enjoyable. Therefore, space opera and other kinds of science fiction that span large volumes of space involve traveling very fast through space. For the purposes of this discussion, we will include non-traveling means of getting somewhere in the term 'traveling'. In other words, hyperspace, warp drive and star gates all qualify.

Fictional travel is fast so that the author doesn't have to deal with the fact that slow travel and slow (light speed) communication pretty much means that any society in a given star system is more or less cut off from its nearest neighbor. It also means that individual characters don't have to be developed for each stage of the story. This maintains continuity and keeps the audience invested in what's happening.

But real life doesn't require tension, drama and excitement. In fact, in space travel, these things are going to be avoided to every possible degree.

No, in real life, space travel will be boring, routine and predictable. The question is now how do we get there quickly, it's how do we get there in a useful amount of time.

The current human lifespan is roughly 75 years. If we assume a reasonable upper limit on travel of 0.1c (3×10^7 meters/sec or 18,600 miles/sec), then a round trip to the Centauri system is approximately 80 years. That's just a touch longer than a single human lifetime. Too long for a round trip, and a one-way trip would be useful scientifically, but not in a way that would make it moreso than an unmanned series of probes and surveyors.

But what what if the human lifespan were increased? Double it, to 150 years, and an 80 year round trip becomes something more reasonable. A major investment of one's life, certainly, but one could expect to return with a number of years left to live.

Instead of doubling it, add a zero. With a 750 year lifespan, Centauri become no more of a life investment than a couple of hitches in the military or Peace Corps.

And what if the human lifespan becomes indefinite in one of many possible ways? What if people were to live long enough that hundreds or even thousands of years are worth committing to such exploration? At that point, 0.1c suddenly becomes a very useful speed indeed.

With proper planning and application of resources, we could leave scatterings of colonies from one side of the galaxy to the other. Some humans continue onward, choosing a life aboard starships the size of Australia, others choose to stay somewhere, making new lives on worlds as yet unseen by human eyes.

With advances in medicine and genetic engineering, not only could we turn ourselves into true astronauts and cosmonauts, we could create children capable of living nearly anywhere. The human race could branch out into thousands of different sub-species, all human, all different, spread out through the galaxy.

To populate even one galaxy seems like an impossible task. It might (possibly) take us two million years.

Anyone interested in joining me?

531

Who? - 4/10/2014

Who first said the word rain? What was the first name given to a specific thing? What was the first word used to describe a type of object? What was the first thought that a human ever had? What was the first abstraction that a human ever made use of?

Who built the first fire from scratch? Who first picked up a rock and used the sharp edge to cut something? What was the first name for a person? When was the first gesture of greeting made? What was served at the first festival feast?

Who were the people who first stayed in a cave to escape the rain? Who were the first to construct shelter? Who was the first to wrap furs around themselves for warmth? Who was the first human to be drunk? Who were the first to form groups larger than family? Who were the first to realize that who breeds with who is important?

What was the first joke? What was the first moment that a human laughed at themselves? What was the first sunset that a human watched just because it was beautiful? Who first tried to capture and re-create that beauty? Who was the first to try to create their own beauty?

208

On Tongues - 4/9/2014

Language is an amazing tool. Using nothing more than the muscles in our tongues, throats, jaws and cheeks, we can send thoughts to each other. Not just simple ones, either, but big, complex thoughts that should require big complex communications in order to accomplish.

More than that, by modifying exactly how we say a single word, in tone, pitch, stress, and context, we can give it whole new meanings. Add in facial expressions and body language, and the potential concept-space for a single word becomes enormous.

There are examples. You've seen them used in essays a thousand times. Examples are not what I intend to bring.

No, I intend to bring motivation.

Language is the single most powerful tool we have, as humans. It is what got us off of the savannas and into the world. It's what put us at the apex of the macroscopic world (sorry, but insects and bacteria really do rule the Earth). It's what got us to the Moon, and it will take us farther.

It's what makes lust turn to love. It's what makes “huh” turn into science. It's what makes war turn into peace. It's what makes the rock turn into roll.

Use your language. Explore it, embrace it. Learn big words and small ones, and use them. Learn slang, lingo, jargon, patois and patter. Let the words drip off of you into the street to see where they go.

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Necessity Can Be Fun - 4/8/2014

There are certain wonderful things in the world. Among them is food. Crisp fresh salads with rich or sharp dressings. Hot biscuits with butter or gravy. Yakisoba noodles with teriyaki chicken, beef and shrimp. Bacon, pork and ham. Steaks left bloody in the middle. Goose liver mousse and pate. Fresh-baked bread. Cinnamon-sugar toast. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Pizza dripping with toppings and cheese. Stir fry. Sandwiches with meat from the delicatessen and interesting mustards.

Hot dogs at the ballpark. Burgers from the backyard grill. Onions wrapped in foil with butter and salt and tossed in the fire. Popcorn. Croissants, baguettes, beignets. Donuts with not-too-sweet maple glaze. Baklava. Ice cream made with hand-picked fruit and real cream. Coffee cake, danishes and brownies.

Fish and chips with tartar sauce, onion rings on the side. The classics, BLTs and French Dips and Grinders (or hoagies, or subs, or whatever you call them). Fried chicken with mashed potatoes and cole slaw. Barbecued pork, pulled off the bone. Savory, sweet hot sausages of a thousand different ingredients. Roast turkey with stuffing.

Green beans. Peas, spinach, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower. Sauteed mushrooms. Eggplant, brined to remove the bitterness, breaded and baked.

And all of it, every last bit, much better if eaten with good company.

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How??? - 4/7/2014

So, please, explain something to me. I get that most people aren't really interested in understanding technology, or even really equipped to do so. It requires a basic understanding of math and science that most people simply don't get excited about.

I understand the basic physics of cars. Inject the fuel in a vaporized state, ignite with a spark, and the expanding hot gasses move the piston, which then ultimately move the wheels. I can't show you what a power-train looks like, or the specifics of the fuel delivery system, but I understand the basics.

Very few people understand semiconductors and how they work at a quantum level. A larger percentage of humanity understands them at the component level, either hardware or software. But for most people, they know the interface and have some vague idea about how the information is structured, accessed and transmitted.

So I get that most people don't really, deeply understand the technology they use, I really do. There's too much of it to know and too many things you have to know just to be able to begin really understanding it.

But will someone please explain to me how you can have a phone AND NOT KNOW YOUR OWN GODDAMN PHONE NUMBER‽‽‽

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Play - 4/6/2014

Play is a word that gets short shrift in the adult world. We tell our kids to “go outside and play” with the follow-up statement that they won't have the ability to do that forever. Once they grow up, “playtime is over”.

Bullshit.

As adults, we have the option of finding ways of playing that children simply cannot. There is a level of sophistication, power and organization in the ways that we can play, alone or with each other, that require that experience of adulthood.

And we should.

When with another person, with people you care about, you should play. Whether it be word games (hi, Dad!), games of ultimate Frisbee in the park, playing boardgames, card games, or make-believe, play with each other. We should find each other's company delightful, enjoyable and exciting, not stressful, painful and boring.

I don't mean that quiet, or even serious time spent together is not good. We should talk, and care for each other in all the ways that are good. But to suggest that adults should not simply play with each other, should not truly enjoy each others' company, should not be able to throw aside the dull and practical requirements of the adult world.

If more of us played and kept that “childlike” mindset, we might find that the world is not so awful after all.

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Surprise! - 4/5/2014

Surprises can be fun.  They can also suck.  Surprise reflected in a person's eyes is the motivation for gift-giving and practical joking both.

Practical jokes are not funny, please stop performing them.  As Christopher Titus might say, pranksters are Level 1s.

That will make more sense when you've had a chance to see he latest show.

Good surprises do happen, though, and represent either truly fearless behavior on someone's part, or careful thought and consideration of who and what you are.

Either way, good surprises are some of the best things on earth.  I am usually a pessimist, but when I see that look on someone's face that says "I can't believe you did that", I remember why I like doing those kinds of things in the first place.

There is nothing better than seeing the pleased surprise on someone's face when you've gotten something right and made their lives better.  I even hear it in the voices of my customers at work sometime.  They are utterly unaware that it is possible to have an easy, helpful experience on a customer support line and actually get their issue resolved efficiently (or even at all).

So to all the people who've ever surprised me or been pleasantly surprised by me, thank you.  Yes, especially you.

??? (word count not working properly)

404 Brain Not Found - 4/4/2014

There are certain ideas in mathematics that really tweak my head from time to time.

Infinity, for instance. First you wrap your head around the idea that there really is no “last number”, that they just keep going. You're thinking of integers when you first hear this, because you're pretty much used to using them and nothing else. But there are negative integers, too. And there are more integers of both types than of either one, even though there are an infinite number of each type.

And then you throw in rational numbers and simple decimals. And then irrationals. And then transcendentals. And then imaginary numbers. There are an infinite number of each type, but if you lump them all together, there are even more.

Or the Möbius strip. Take a strip of paper, clearly a three-dimensional object. Twist one end 180º and tape it to the other end. What you now have is a one-sided, one-edged object that still takes up space. If you reduce it to mathematics, you can start with a two-dimensional object (no depth) and come up with something truly impressive.

And then there's Benoit Mandelbrot. He's the guy that figured out that most real-world, space-filling objects aren't three-dimensional. Wait, what? Of course they're three-dimensional, height, width, depth, right? I can see all three, that means they're three-dimensional, that's the definition of three-dimensional!

Except real objects, if measured properly, have something between 2 and 3 dimensions. Clouds are usually something like 2.72-dimensional objects.

Oh, and if you look at it right, the length of the coast of Britain is infinitely long.

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Tips For Calling Tech Support - 4/3/2014

Okay, I have to get this off my chest.

If you're calling tech support or customer support, here are some pleadings from our side of the fence.

1. Before you call, think about your issue and what you want to say. If you can't describe it in no more than 2 sentences, it's not clear enough. If we need to know about what steps you've already taken, we will ask. The more detail you give, the more frustrated we are that you're telling us all sorts of things that we don't need to know.
   1. Example (good): Hi, I'm trying to log into your Company's page and it's coming up as Login Unsuccessful.
   2. Example (bad): Hi, I'm not sure I punched the right number but I can't find the thing when I go looking on my desktop and I need to get into the system so I can check on my message from Janice (goes on for another minute and a half).
2. If we ask a question, or suggest that you try something, we have a reason for doing so. Believe it or not, our goal really is to get your issue fixed quickly and efficiently. That's how our bosses measure our performances. Good performance metrics mean raises. We are not screwing with you for our own entertainment or trying to insult you.
3. Listen. Please, listen to the questions we ask and respond to those questions. Also see #1 about responses. Quick, clean and to the point.
4. Accept this one thing. If we say we can't do something, odds are we can't. Not won't, not want you to jump through hoops first, but can't. It might get us fired, it might get us arrested, or (much more likely), we literally don't have access to that part of the system. If I tell you that I can't let you into your spouse's account without getting their permission first, yelling at me won't change that.
5. Accept this second thing. Some stuff happens in these systems that nobody knows why it's there. Go read up on Gödel's Incompleteness Theorems and the Halting Problem if you want to know more. In essence, any sufficiently complex information system will ultimately enter into unpredictable states. In plain English, shit happens.
6. If #5 does become relevant, we pass it up to our programmers, analysts or engineers and they start looking into it. Sometimes it's a known issue they can fix. Sometimes it's an unknown issue they can fix. Sometimes they look at it and say “not us, must be the customer's computer”. Sometimes they look at it and say “we have no idea why this is happening, and no idea how to fix it”. We have no control over this response. We will do our level best to help you, but sometimes even the experts' experts are scratching their heads.
7. Sometimes, it really is your machine, your network, your ISP. If we say we've checked everything we can check, looked into all the nooks and crannies, then it's possible, just slightly, that the problem is caused somewhere else.
8. The jokes. Please. no, just... no. Stop. I have heard this one. I have heard it many many times. It is not funny, it was not funny, it is not clever or interesting. If you're going to tell me a joke, tell me one that has nothing to do with this call or the situation. Those can be good. But don't make some remark about how you're “pretty sure” you know where you were born. It only puts you in the position of having to fake a laugh and me in the position of being slightly more irritated than I might already be.
9. All of this said, most of the people I deal with (internal to my company and our external customers), are wonderful, polite, pleasant, nice people. Some of you break some of these rules, but the truly bad customers I hear so much about? Not even one in a hundred. To all of you who are nice, understanding, and accept that I really am doing what I can to help you, thanks.
10. To the real jerks? Have a nice day, and know that whatever frustration you may succeed in causing me is temporary and quickly forgotten. I will continue to enjoy my job and like my customers in spite of you.

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The End - 4/2/2014

My 8^th grade English teacher, Mrs. Jean Curtis, had a wonderful phrase to describe a certain thing. She would constantly get asked by students “how long should this paper be”, meaning “for how many pages do I have to fake interest in this assignment to get a passing grade?”

Her answer was always the same, and I suspect she got asked some of the time simply to hear her say it. Her reply was: “It should be as long as a girl's skirt. Long enough to cover the subject and short enough to keep it interesting.”

I've always thought that a pithy way of describing the best stopping point for anything. The overall experience should be sufficient to communicate the central meaning without cluttering things up with too much material.

One of the hardest things to do on any project is get to the point where you are done. The next hardest thing is stopping right there. The line is about the same width as an electron, and moves faster, so it can be tough to hit. The difference between a great work and a MasterPiece!!! is half a brushstroke, three words, or how sharp the chisel is at that moment.

So to those of you struggling with how to do the beginning and middle of something, don't forget that The End can be the toughest part.

228

Toys Matter - 4/1/2014

Some toys are timeless. Sticks, balls, dolls, toy vehicles, all the standards.

But there are some that stand out as “how did anyone think of that?” that are now so necessary and obvious, you can't believe the world existed without them.

The Slinky. Alone or in pairs, it makes a slinkity sound. Loved, parodied and failing to go down stairs without repeated pushes for decades, now.

Etch-a-Sketch. One of the important ones. How many pieces of technology give such a perfect combination of play, technique, craft and creativity?

Well, Spirograph for one. Limited in entirely different ways than the Etch-a-Sketch, it nonetheless fueled that idea that the user can make beautiful things, and that beauty does not require talent, skill or fanciness, only the desire to bring it forth.

And, finally, Legos. The big daddy of the imagination. Legos can become anything. People have built Lego versions of nearly everything that actually exists, and a number of things that don't. Part art, part engineering, part ow-goddamit-don't-leave-these-things-on-the-floor, Legos still manage to be one of the most fun things in the world to play with.

They've even been used to make movies and video games.

So let's hear it for toys, and all the wonderful things they mean. Some have been supplanted, but others will always be with us because they are too damn fun not to have around.

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