Dear Peter,
You are an idiot. Most of the time,
you are written as a brilliant scientific mind in the Marvel
Universe, which has more than a few geniuses running around in it.
Reed Richards has been impressed by you at times, along with a number
of others.
Your body has been changed by a
remarkable accident. You are fully aware of this, and in a unique
position to study yourself in a scientific and controlled manner. In
most incarnations, one of the first things you notice is that your
eyesight has improved, along with your other senses. You possess
strength, speed, reflexes and flexibility that would make an Olympic
athlete weep. You heal from wounds that would kill others in hours,
if not instantly.
And yet, you constantly juggle a lack
of money and a difficult social life with your pursuits as
Spider-Man. So here's what you need to do. First, stop whining.
Second, write a proposal, get a grant, get a loan, sell a few
pictures of Spidey to real media outlets that would actually pay you
real money instead of the pittance that the Bugle provides.
Second, establish a lab. Hire only
people you truly trust, and do the critical work yourself. Don't let
them know that it's your tissue they're studying, just get the study
going. You have the potential to figure out how to stop real
problems, like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and Hodgkins' diseases. To
change the way people deal with age and infirmity. To change
humanity for the better, all without going around wasting your time
and talents stopping muggers and car thieves.
Yes, some will get away that you might
have stopped, and there might be a few threats out there that you
have to pull out the tights to deal with. But your talents and your
opportunity are worth far more to humanity than slightly safer
streets in one city.
Grow up, be a man and put away your
power fantasies. Your responsibility is not to individuals who face
violence in the street, it's to everyone who faces reality every day.
Sincerely,
Someone who understands that your
decisions are based on dramatic tension and not reality and therefore
realizes that there would be no Spider-Man comic books without the
fundamental misunderstandings you make about yourself.
382
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