So I've had this bit running through my
head for a while. Please read it in the classic, near deadpan voice
of pilots in the movies reporting perfectly normal things.
“Tower, this is flight 244, cruising
at 600 knots at 30 thousand. Bearing is 231, visibility is good,
winds appear steady from the southwest. The new avionics appear to
be good. Preparing to initiate high-G maneuvers for testing
purposes.”
<five minutes later>
“Tower, reporting that high-G
maneuvers proceeded successfully. During final Immelman, however,
access panel 12-B sprung open. I would recommend at least two more
fasteners be put in place. In addition, there appears to be a small
fluid leak nearby, might want to upgrade the hoses.”
<two minutes later>
“Tower, reporting some sparking from
the wires that have come away from access panel 12-B. Aaaaaannd it
appears that the fluid leak is something flammable. Small flames at
this point, yellowish-orange in color, so it's not fuel. Suggest we
have someone check to see what that might be.”
“Tower, flames have reached my boots.
Am activating fire suppression system 1.”
“Tower, no effect from fire
suppression one except for some confetti and a note from some of the
ground crew. Please tell them that I found it very funny, and would
love to come to the party later, but that the donkey is really not
necessary this time.”
“Tower, reporting now that the lower
cuffs of my g-suit have caught fire. No significant retardation of
combustion from the new material, so please note that for the logs.
Looks like it's back to the drawing board on that one. As a positive
note, however, the new air scrubbers are doing an excellent job of
keeping the cockpit clear of smoke, so those should get a solid
rating for this mission.”
“At this time, Tower, pilot would
like to request authorization to eject. He would also like to state
that he approves of the body shaving procedure required for the new
g-suit. It does seem to be reducing the burn level, and there is
definitely no smell of burnt hair as a distraction.”
“Tower, pilot reporting that the
flames have reached my knees, and are approaching my groin. I am
detaching catheter at this time to attempt fire suppression backup
option uniform. Commencing urination now.”
“Reporting that fire suppression
backup option uniform only partly successful. Urination has provided
some protection to the groin area, but flames are now traveling up
the legs of the g-suit. Getting some cross-chop, here. One moment,
Tower, attempting to find stable flight path at 24,000.”
<one minute passes>
“Tower, this is flight 244. Flames
have now reached my sleeves. Gloves appear to be resistant, so I
have not yet lost control of the vehicle, but the pool of urine is
beginning to evaporate. I estimate no more than eight minutes before
my testicles catch fire.”
“On another positive note, Tower, my
oxygen mask has not yet melted to my face, and continues to deliver
breathable air. Hopefully that will assist me in providing
observations until such time as ejection is authorized. Speaking of
that, Tower, is there any update on that eject situation?”
“Affirmative, Tower, roger that
ejection is not authorized at this time. Please note that my helmet
temperature is rising, communication may not be possible much
longer.”
“Ah, Tower, this is 244, please note
that fire suppression backup option shitmypants has been
accomplished, with minimal effect. Also please note that controls
have failed and that's a pretty big mountain approaching, Tower. I'd
like to sign off at this time and say a big fuck you to that ejection
authorization denial, Tower, and have a nice day.”
<transmission ends>
612
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