Tips For Calling Tech Support - 4/3/2014

Okay, I have to get this off my chest.

If you're calling tech support or customer support, here are some pleadings from our side of the fence.

1. Before you call, think about your issue and what you want to say. If you can't describe it in no more than 2 sentences, it's not clear enough. If we need to know about what steps you've already taken, we will ask. The more detail you give, the more frustrated we are that you're telling us all sorts of things that we don't need to know.
   1. Example (good): Hi, I'm trying to log into your Company's page and it's coming up as Login Unsuccessful.
   2. Example (bad): Hi, I'm not sure I punched the right number but I can't find the thing when I go looking on my desktop and I need to get into the system so I can check on my message from Janice (goes on for another minute and a half).
2. If we ask a question, or suggest that you try something, we have a reason for doing so. Believe it or not, our goal really is to get your issue fixed quickly and efficiently. That's how our bosses measure our performances. Good performance metrics mean raises. We are not screwing with you for our own entertainment or trying to insult you.
3. Listen. Please, listen to the questions we ask and respond to those questions. Also see #1 about responses. Quick, clean and to the point.
4. Accept this one thing. If we say we can't do something, odds are we can't. Not won't, not want you to jump through hoops first, but can't. It might get us fired, it might get us arrested, or (much more likely), we literally don't have access to that part of the system. If I tell you that I can't let you into your spouse's account without getting their permission first, yelling at me won't change that.
5. Accept this second thing. Some stuff happens in these systems that nobody knows why it's there. Go read up on Gödel's Incompleteness Theorems and the Halting Problem if you want to know more. In essence, any sufficiently complex information system will ultimately enter into unpredictable states. In plain English, shit happens.
6. If #5 does become relevant, we pass it up to our programmers, analysts or engineers and they start looking into it. Sometimes it's a known issue they can fix. Sometimes it's an unknown issue they can fix. Sometimes they look at it and say “not us, must be the customer's computer”. Sometimes they look at it and say “we have no idea why this is happening, and no idea how to fix it”. We have no control over this response. We will do our level best to help you, but sometimes even the experts' experts are scratching their heads.
7. Sometimes, it really is your machine, your network, your ISP. If we say we've checked everything we can check, looked into all the nooks and crannies, then it's possible, just slightly, that the problem is caused somewhere else.
8. The jokes. Please. no, just... no. Stop. I have heard this one. I have heard it many many times. It is not funny, it was not funny, it is not clever or interesting. If you're going to tell me a joke, tell me one that has nothing to do with this call or the situation. Those can be good. But don't make some remark about how you're “pretty sure” you know where you were born. It only puts you in the position of having to fake a laugh and me in the position of being slightly more irritated than I might already be.
9. All of this said, most of the people I deal with (internal to my company and our external customers), are wonderful, polite, pleasant, nice people. Some of you break some of these rules, but the truly bad customers I hear so much about? Not even one in a hundred. To all of you who are nice, understanding, and accept that I really am doing what I can to help you, thanks.
10. To the real jerks? Have a nice day, and know that whatever frustration you may succeed in causing me is temporary and quickly forgotten. I will continue to enjoy my job and like my customers in spite of you.

747